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DR. STRANGELOVE
OR:
HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB
(The Continuity Script)
FADE IN:
SLOW TRACK over dense cloud cover. Rocky peaks visible in the distance.
NARRATOR
For more than a year, ominous rumors have been privately circulating among high
level western leaders, that the Soviet Union had been at work on what was
darkly hinted to be the ultimate weapon, a doomsday device. Intelligence
sources traced the site of the top secret Russian project to the perpetually
fog shrouded wasteland below the arctic peaks of the Zokov islands. What they
were building, or why it should be located in a such a remote and desolate
place, no one could say.
CUT TO:
Roll credits. Tracking shot of B-52 in mid-air refuel. Soundtrack lilts "Try a
Little Tenderness." Refueling nozzle gently breaks away from recieving
aircraft.
CUT TO:
INT. COMPUTER ROOM - BURPLESON AFB - NIGHT
A phone buzzes.
PETTY OFFICER
General Ripper, sir.
MANDRAKE
(to phone on his desk)
Group Captain Mandrake speaking...
Ripper sits at his desk, cigar smoke wafting up through the light of his desk
lamp.
RIPPER
(to phone)
This is General Ripper speaking.
MANDRAKE
Yes, sir.
RIPPER
You recognize my voice, Mandrake?
MANDRAKE
I do sir, why do you ask?
RIPPER
Why do you think I asked?
MANDRAKE
Well I don't know, sir. We spoke just a few moments ago on the phone, didn't
we?
RIPPER
You don't think I'd ask if you recognized my voice unless it was pretty damned
important do you, Mandrake?
MANDRAKE
No, I don't, sir. No.
RIPPER
Alright, let's see if we stay on the ball. Has the wing confirmed holding at
their failsafe points?
MANDRAKE
Yes, sir. The confirmations have all just come in.
RIPPER
Very well, now, listen to me carefully. The base is being put on condition red.
I want this flashed to all sections immediately.
MANDRAKE
Condition red, sir. Yes. Jolly good idea, keeps the men on their toes.
RIPPER
Group Captain, I'm afraid this is not a exercise.
MANDRAKE
Not an exercise, sir?
RIPPER
I shouldn't tell you this, Mandrake, but you're a good officer and you have a
right to know. It looks like we're in a shooting war.
MANDRAKE
Oh, hell. Are the Russians involved sir?
RIPPER
Mandrake, that's all I've been told. It just came in on the Red Phone. My
orders are for this base to be sealed tight, and that's what I mean to
do: seal it tight. Now, I want you to transmit plan R, R for Robert, to the
wing. Plan R for Robert.
MANDRAKE
Is it that bad sir?
RIPPER
It looks like it's pretty hairy.
MANDRAKE
Yes sir. Plan R for Robert, sir.
RIPPER
Now, last, and possibly most important, I want all privately owned radios to be
immediately impounded.
MANDRAKE
Yes sir.
RIPPER
They might be used to issue instructions to saboteurs. As I have previously
arranged, Air Police will have lists of all owners and I want every single one
of them collected without exception.
MANDRAKE
Yes sir.
RIPPER
And after you've done that, report back to me.
Ripper closes the blinds on wall of windows looking out at the base. Outside, a
SIREN SOUNDS.
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRBORNE B-52'S
with escorts.
NARRATOR
In order to guard against surprise nuclear attack, America's Strategic Air
Command maintains a large force of B-52 bombers airborne 24 hours a day.
Each B-52 can deliver a nuclear bombload of 50 megatons, equal to 16 times
the total explosive force of all the bombs and shells used by all the armies
in World War Two. Based in America, the Airborne alert force is deployed from
the Persian Gulf to the Arctic Ocean, but they have one geographical factor in
common: they are all two hours from their targets inside Russia.
CUT TO:
INT. B-52
Machines spring to life as a transmission arrives.
GOLDIE
Major Kong, I know you're gonna think this a crazy but I just got a message
from base over the CRM 114. It decodes as Wing Attack plan R. R for Romeo.
KONG
Goldie, did you say Wing Attack, plan R?
GOLDIE
Yes Sir, I have.
KONG
Goldie, how many times have I told you guys that I don't want no horsin'
around on the airplane?
GOLDIE
I'm not horsin' around, sir, that's how it decodes.
KONG
Well I've been to one world fair a picnic and a rodeo and that's the stupidest
thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones. You sure you got today's
code?
GOLDIE
Yes sir, it is.
KONG
Ah, there's just gotta be something wrong. Wait just a second, I'm comin' back.
Kong examines the decoded message and the code book.
KONG
Maybe you better get a confirmation from base.
GOLDIE
Yes sir.
BOMBARDIER
Major Kong, is it possible that this is some kind of loyalty test. You know,
give the go code and then recall to see who would actually go?
KONG
Ain't nobody ever got the go code yet. And old Ripper wouldn't be giving us
plan R unless them Russkies had already clobbered Washington and alot of other
towns with a sneak attack.
BOMBARDIER
Yes sir.
GOLDIE
Major Kong, message from base confirmed.
KONG
Well boys, I reckon this is it: nuclear combat, toe to toe with the Russkies.
Kong climbs back into the cockpit. Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the Republic.
KONG
Now look boys, I ain't much of a hand at makin' speeches. But I got a pretty
fair idea that something doggoned important's going on back there. And I got a
fair idea of the kind of personal emotions that some of you fella's may be
thinking. Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be human beings if you didn't have
some pretty strong personal feelings about nuclear combat. But I want you to
remember one thing, the folks back home is a countin' on ya, and by golly we
ain't about to let 'em down. Tell you somethin' else. This thing turns out
to be half as important is I figure it just might be, I'd say that you're all
in line for some important promotions and personal citations when this thing's
over with. That goes for every last one of you, regardless of your race, color,
or your creed. Now, let's get this thing on the hump. We got some flying to
do.
CUT TO:
INT. GENERAL TURGIDSON'S STUDIO
Phone rings.
MISS SCOTT
(shouting)
Buck, should I get it?
TURGIDSON
(muffled)
Yeah. You have to.
MISS SCOTT
(to phone)
Hello? Oh, yes, General Turgidson is here, but I'm afraid he can't come to the
phone at the moment. Well, this is his secretary, Miss Scott.
(softly)
Freddie, how are you? Fine and you? Oh, we were just catching up on some of
the General's paperwork. Well, look Freddie, he's very tied up at the moment.
I'm afraid he can't come to the phone.
(listens)
Well, just a minute.
(shouts to Tuirgidson)
General Turgidson, a General Puntridge calling.
TURGIDSON
Tell him to call back.
MISS SCOTT
(to phone)
Freddie, the General says could you call back in a minute or two? Oh.
(shouting)
He says it can't wait.
TURGIDSON
Ah, for Pete... well... Find out what he wants.
MISS SCOTT
Freddie, the thing is, the General is in the powder room right now. Could you
tell me what it's about? Just a second...
(shouting)
Apparently they monitored a transmission about eight minutes ago from
Burpleson Air Force Base.
(to phone)
Right.
(shouting)
It was directed to the 843'rd bomb wing on airborne alert.
(to phone)
Yeah.
(shouting)
It decoded as Wing Attack, Plan R.
TURGIDSON
Um ah, tell him to call uh what's his name. Base commander. Ripper. I have to
think of everything?
MISS SCOTT
(to phone)
The General suggests you call General Ripper, the 843rd base commander. Oh.
(shouting)
All communications are dead.
TURGIDSON
Bull! Tell him to do it himself.
MISS SCOTT
Freddie, the General asks if you could possibly try again yourself.
(listens)
I see.
(shouting)
He says he's tried personally several times, but everything is dead. Even the
normal phone lines are shut down.
Turgidson emerges from the bathroom, grumbling.
TURGIDSON
(to phone)
Fred. Buck. What's it look like? Yeah. Waa... are you sure it's plan R? Huh.
What's cookin' on the threat board.? Nothin? Nothin at all? Idon't like the
look of this, Fred. Alright, I tell you what you better do, old buddy.
(slaps his belly)
You better give Elmo and Charlie a blast, and bump everything up to condition
red and stand by the blower, I'll get back to you.
(hangs up)
MISS SCOTT
What's up?
TURGIDSON
Nothing. Nothing. Where's my shorts?
MISS SCOTT
On the floor. Where are you going?
TURGIDSON
No place. No... no place... I just thought I might mosey over to the War
room for a few minutes. See what's doing over there.
MISS SCOTT
It's three o'clock in the morning.
TURGIDSON
(laughs)
The Air Force never sleeps.
MISS SCOTT
Buck, honey... I'm not sleepy either.
TURGIDSON
I know how it is, baby. Tell you what you do. You just start your countdown,
and old Bucky'll be back here before you can say... Blast Off!
CUT TO:
EXT. BURPLESON AFB - NIGHT
Ripper's voice booms over the PA. Ready soldiers stand listening.
RIPPER
Your commie has no regard for human life, not even his own. And for this
reason, men, I want to impress upon you the need for extreme watchfulness.
The enemy may come individually, or he may come in strength. He may even
come in the uniform of our own troops. But however he comes we must stop
him. We must not allow him to gain entrance to this base. Now, I am going to
give you three simple rules. First, trust no one, whatever his uniform or
rank, unless he is known to you personally. Second, anyone or anything that
approaches within 200 yards of the perimeter is to be fired upon. Third, if in
doubt, shoot first, and ask questions afterwards. I would sooner accept a few
casualties through accident than lose the entire base and its personnel
through carelessness. Any variation on these rules must come from me
personally. Now, men, in conclusion, I would like to say that, in the two years
it has been my privilege to be your commanding officer, I have always expected
the best from you, and you have never given me anything less than that.
CUT TO:
INT. COMPUTER ROOM - INT. BURPLESON AFB
Mandrake, who has been closing up shop while listening to Ripper's speech,
discovers a radio inside a line printer and switches it on. Soft jazz is
playing.
RIPPER'S VOICE
Today, the nation is counting on us. We are not going to let them down. Good
luck to you all.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRBORNE B-52
Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the Republic.
AIRMAN
(to Kong)
Here's the attack profile, sir.
KONG
(announcing through headset intercom)
This is your attack profile: to insure that the enemy cannot monitor voice
transmission or plant false transmission, the CRM114 is to be switched
into all the receivercircuits. Emergency phase code prefix is to be set on the
dials of the CRM. This'll block any transmission other than those preceded
by code prefix. Stand by to set code prefix.
GOLDIE
Roger. Ready to set code prefix.
KONG
Set code prefix.
GOLDIE
(dials up letters)
OPE Code prefix set.
KONG
Lock code prefix.
GOLDIE
Code prefix locked.
KONG
Switch all receiver circuits to CRM discriminators.
GOLDIE
All circuits switched to CRM discriminators.
KONG
Check auto destruct circuits.
GOLDIE
Auto destruct circuits checked.
KONG
Primary target, the ICBM complex at Laputa. Target reference Yankee Golf
Tango Three Six Zero. Thirty megaton nuclear device fused for airburst at
ten thousand feet. Twenty megaton nuclear device will be used if first
malfunctions. Otherwise proceed to secondary target, missile complex seven
miles east of Barshaw. Target reference November Bravo X-Ray One Zero Eight.
Fused airburst at ten, check, twelve thousand feet.
CUT TO:
INT. BURPLESON AFB
Mandrake walks hurredly through the halls with the portable radio producing
another jazz tune, now upbeat. Mandrake enters
RIPPER'S OFFICE
MANDRAKE
Excuse me sir, something rather interesting's just cropped up. Listen to that.
Music. Civilian broadcasting. I think those fellows in the Pentagon have given
us some sort of exercise to test our readiness. Personally, I think it's
taking it a bit too far; our fellows will be inside Russian radar cover in
about twenty minutes. You listen to that. Traffic block full of stations
all churning it out.
RIPPER
Mandrake.
MANDRAKE
Yes, sir?
RIPPER
I thought I issued instructions for all radios on this base to be impounded.
MANDRAKE
(follows Ripper as he rises from his chair to lock his office door)
Well you did indeed sir and I was in the process of impounding this very one
when I happened to switch it on. I thought to myself our fellows hitting
Russian radar cover in twenty minutes, dropping all their stuff, I'd better
tell you, because if they do, it'll cause a bit of a stink, won't it?
RIPPER
Group Captain, the officer exchange program does not give you any special
prerogatives to question my orders.
MANDRAKE
Well I realize that sir, but I thought you'd be rather pleased to hear the
news. I mean after all, well let's face it we...we don't want to start a
nuclear war unless we really have to, do we?
RIPPER
Please sit down. And turn that thing off.
MANDRAKE
Yes sir. Ah, what about the planes, sir? Surely you must issue the recall
code immediately.
RIPPER
Group Captain, the planes are not going to be recalled. My attack orders have
been issued and the orders stand.
MANDRAKE
Well, if you'll excuse me saying so, sir. That would be, to my way of thinking,
rather... well rather an odd way of looking at it. You see, if a Russian attack
was in progress we would certainly not be hearing civilian broadcasting.
RIPPER
Are you certain of that, Mandrake?
MANDRAKE
I'm absolutely positive about that, sir, yes.
RIPPER
And what if it is true?
MANDRAKE
Well I'm afraid I'm still not with you, sir. Because, I mean, if a Russian
attack was not in progress then your use of plan R, in fact your orders to
the entire wing... oh. Well I would say, sir, that there was something
dreadfully wrong somewhere.
RIPPER
Now, why don't you just take it easy Group Captain. And please make me a drink
of grain alcohol and rain water, and help yourself to whatever you'd
like.
MANDRAKE
(salutes)
General Ripper, sir, as an officer in Her Majesty's Air Force, it is my clear
duty, under the present circumstances, to issue the recall code, upon my
own authority, and bring back the wing. If you'll excuse me sir. Mandrake tries
all exits and finds them locked I'm afraid sir, I must ask you for the key and
the recall code. Have you got them handy sir?
RIPPER
I told you to take it easy, Group Captain. There's nothing anybody can do
about this thing now. I'm the only person who knows the three letter code
group.
MANDRAKE
(voice cracking)
Then I must insist, sir, that you give them to me.
Ripper lifts a folder off of his desk and tosses it aside, revealing a blued,
pearl handled .45 automatic.
MANDRAKE
Do I take it, sir, that you are threatening a brother officer with a gun?
RIPPER
Mandrake, I suppose it never occurred to you that while we're chatting here so
enjoyably, a decision is being made by the President and the Joint Chiefs in
the war room at the Pentagon. And when they realize there is no possibility of
recalling the wing, there will be only one course of action open: total
committment. Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenzo once said about war?
MANDRAKE
No. I don't think I do sir, no.
RIPPER
He said war was to important to be left to the Generals. When he said that,
fifty years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to
be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the
inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist
infiltration, Communist indoctrination, communist subversion, and the
international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious
bodily fluids.
CUT TO:
INT. WAR ROOM - PENTAGON
MUFFLEY
Sam, is everybody here?
STAINS
Mr. President, the Secretary of State is in Vietnam, the Secretary of
Defense is in Laos, and the Vice President is in Mexico City. We can
establish contact with them at any time if it's necessary. The
undersecretaries are all here, of course.
MUFFLEY
Right. Now, General Turgidson, what's going on here?
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, about thirty-five minutes ago, General Jack Ripper, the
commanding General of Burpleson Air Force Base, issued an order to the 34
B-52's of his wing which were airborne at the time as part of a special
exercise we were holding called Operation Dropkick. Now, it appears that
the order called for the planes to attack their targets inside Russia. The
planes are fully armed with nuclear weapons with an average load of 40 megatons
each. Now the central display of Russia will indicate the position of the
planes. The triangles are their primary targets, the squares are their
secondary targets. The aircraft will begin penetrating Russian radar cover
within 25 minutes.
MUFFLEY
General Turgidson, I find this very difficult to understand. I was under the
impression that I was the only one in authority to order the use of nuclear
weapons.
TURGIDSON
That's right sir. You are the only person authorized to do so. And although I
hate to judge before all the facts are in, it's beginning to look like
General Ripper exceeded his authority.
MUFFLEY
It certainly does. Far beyond the point I would have imagined possible.
TURGIDSON
Well perhaps you're forgetting the provisions of plan R, sir.
MUFFLEY
Plan R?
TURGIDSON
Plan R is an emergency war plan in which a lower echelon commander may order
nuclear retaliation after a sneak attack if the normal chain of command is
disrupted. You approved it, sir. You must remember. Surely you must recall,
sir, when Senator Buford made that big hassle about our deterrent lacking
credibility. The idea was for plan R to be a sort of retaliatory safeguard.
MUFFLEY
A safeguard.
TURGIDSON
I admit the human element seems to have failed us here. But the idea was to
discourage the Russkies from any hope that they could knock out Washington, and
yourself, sir, as part of a general sneak attack, and escape retaliation
because of lack of proper command and control.
MUFFLEY
Well I assume then, that the planes will return automatically once they reach
their failsafe points.
TURGIDSON
Well, sir, I'm afraid not. You see the planes were holding at their failsafe
points when the go code was issued. Now, once they fly beyond failsafe they
do not require a second order to proceed. They will fly until they reach their
targets.
MUFFLEY
Then why haven't you radioed the planes countermanding the go code?
TURGIDSON
Well, I'm afraid we're unable to communicate with any of the aircraft.
MUFFLEY
Why?
TURGIDSON
As you may recall, sir, one of the provisions of plan R provides that once the
go code is received the normal SSB radios in the aircraft are switched into a
special coded device, which I believe is designated as CRM114. Now, in order to
prevent the enemy from issuing fake or confusing orders, CRM114 is designed
not to receive at all, unless the message is preceded by the correct three
letter code group prefix.
MUFFLEY
Then do you mean to tell me, General Turgidson, that you will be unable to
recall the aircraft?
TURGIDSON
That's about the size of it. However, we are plowing through every possible
three letter combination of the code. But since there are seventeen
thousand permutations it's going to take us about two and a half days to
transmit them all.
MUFFLEY
How soon did you say the planes would penetrate Russian radar cover?
TURGIDSON
About eighteen minutes from now, sir.
MUFFLEY
Are you in contact with General Ripper?
TURGIDSON
Ah.. No sir, no, General Ripper sealed off the base and cut off all
communications.
MUFFLEY
Where did you get all this information?
TURGIDSON
General Ripper called Strategic Air Command headquarters shortly after he
issued the go code. I have a partial transcript of that conversation if you'd
like me to read it.
MUFFLEY
Read it.
TURGIDSON
The duty officer asked General Ripper to confirm the fact the he had issued the
go code and he said, "Yes gentlemen, they are on their way in and no one can
bring them back. For the sake of our country and our way of life, I suggest
you get the rest of SAC in after them, otherwise we will be totally
destroyed by red retaliation. My boys will give you the best kind of start,
fourteen hundred megatons worth, and you sure as hell won't stop them now. So
let's get going. There's no other choice. God willing, we will prevail in
peace and freedom from fear and in true health through the purity and essence
of our natural fluids. God bless you all." Then he hung up. We're still trying
to figure out the meaning of that last phrase, sir.
MUFFLEY
There's nothing to figure out General Turgidson. This man is obviously a
psychotic.
TURGIDSON
Well, I'd like to hold off judgment on a thing like that, sir, until all the
facts are in.
MUFFLEY
(anger rising)
General Turgidson, when you instituted the human reliability tests, you
assured me there was no possibility of such a thing ever occurring.
TURGIDSON
Well I don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a
single slip up sir.
MUFFLEY
I want to speak to General Ripper on the telephone, personally.
TURGIDSON
I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.
MUFFLEY
General Turgidson, I am becoming less and less interested in your estimates of
what is possible and impossible. General Faceman.
FACEMAN
Yes, sir.
MUFFLEY
Are there any army units stationed anywhere near Burpleson?
FACEMAN
Well ah, I'll just check, sir.
Turgidson's phone beeps
TURGIDSON
Hello.
(pause, then whispering)
I told you never to call me here; don't you know where I am? (pause) Well
look, baby, I can't talk to you now. My president needs me. Of course
Bucky would rather be there with you.
(pause)
Of course it isn't only physical. I deeply respect you as a human being.
Someday I'm going to make you Mrs. Buck Turgidson.
(pause)
Listen, you go back to sleep. Bucky'll be back there just as soon as he can.
Alright. Listen, sug', don't forget to say your prayers.
(hangs up and composes himself)
FACEMAN
Apparently, the 23rd airborne division is stationed seven miles away at
Alvarado.
MUFFLEY
General Faceman, I want them to enter the base, locate General Ripper, and
put him in immediate telephone contact with me.
FACEMAN
Yes, sir.
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, if I may advise, under condition red it is standard
procedure that the base be sealed off, and the base be defended by base
security troops. Any force trying to enter there would certainly encounter
very heavy casualties.
FACEMAN
General Turgidson, with all due respect for your defense team, my boys can
brush 'em aside without too much trouble.
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, there are one or two points I'd like to make, if I may.
MUFFLEY
Go ahead, General.
TURGIDSON
One, our hopes for recalling the 843rd bomb wing are quickly being reduced
to a very low order of probability. Two, in less than fifteen minutes from
now the Russkies will be making radar contact with the planes. Three, when
they do, they are going to go absolutely ape, and they're gonna strike
back with everything they've got. Four, if prior to this time, we have
done nothing further to suppress their retaliatory capabilities, we will
suffer virtual annihilation. Now, five, if on the other hand, we were to
immediately launch an all out and coordinated attack on all their airfields
and missile bases we'd stand a damn good chance of catching 'em with their
pants down. Hell, we got a five to one missile superiority as it is. We
could easily assign three missiles to every target, and still have a very
effective reserve force for any other contingency. Now, six, an unofficial
study which we undertook of this eventuality, indicated that we would destroy
ninety percent of their nuclear capabilities. We would therefore prevail,
and suffer only modest and acceptable civilian casualties from their
remaining force which would be badly damaged and uncoordinated.
MUFFLEY
General, it is the avowed policy of our country never to strike first with
nuclear weapons.
TURGIDSON
Well, Mr. President, I would say that General Ripper has already invalidated
that policy. (laughs)
MUFFLEY
That was not an act of national policy and there are still alternatives left
open to us.
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for
ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, the truth
is not always a pleasant thing, but it is necessary now make a choice, to
choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless, distinguishable
post-war environments: one where you got twenty million people killed, and
the other where you got a hundred and fifty million people killed.
MUFFLEY
You're talking about mass murder, General, not war.
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do
say... no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh... depended on
the breaks.
MUFFLEY
I will not go down in history as the greatest mass murderer since Adolph
Hitler!
TURGIDSON
Perhaps it might be better, Mr. President, if you were more concerned with
the American people, than with your image in the history books.
MUFFLEY
General Turgidson, I think I've heard quite sufficient from you, thank you
very much!
STAINS
Mr. President, they have the ambassador waiting upstairs.
MUFFLEY
Oh, good. Any difficulty?
STAINS
They say he's having a fit about that squad of MPs.
MUFFLEY
Yes, that can't be helped. Have him brought down here straight away.
STAINS
Yes, sir.
TURGIDSON
Is that the Russian Ambassador you're talking about?
MUFFLEY
Yes, it is, General.
TURGIDSON
Ahh, am I to understand the Russian Ambassador is to be admitted entrance to
the War Room?
MUFFLEY
That is correct. He is here on my orders.
TURGIDSON
I... I don't know exactly how to put this, sir, but are you aware of what a
serious breach of security that would be? I mean...
(begins closing his notebooks)
he'll see everything. He'll see the big board!
MUFFLEY
That is precisely the idea, General. That is precisely the idea. Stains, get
Premier Kissov on the Hotline.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRBORNE B-52
KONG
Survival Kit contents check. In them you will find: one 45 caliber automatic,
two boxes of ammunition, four days concentrated emergency rations, one
drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills,
sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills, one miniature combination Rooshan phrase
book and Bible, one hundred dollars in rubles, one hundred dollars in
gold, nine packs of chewing gum, one issue of prophylactics, three lipsticks,
three pair of nylon stockings -- shoot, a fellah could have a pretty good
weekend in Vegas with all that stuff....
CUT TO:
INT. WAR ROOM
DeSadeski enters in a great coat, finishes the contents of a drinking glass,
and places the glass on a banquet table covered with an ornate array of meats,
breads, and pies.
DESADESKI
You don't have any fresh fish?
AIDE
I'm afraid not sir.
DESADESKI
Your eggs, then, they are fresh?
AIDE
Oh, yes, sir.
DESADESKI
I will have poached eggs. And bring me some cigars, please. Havana cigars.
AIDE
That will be all for you sir?
DESADESKI
Yes.
AIDE
Then I'll see to it right away.
GENERAL
Try one of these Jamaican cigars, ambassador, they're pretty good.
DESADESKI
Thank you, no. I do not support the work of imperialist stooges.
GENERAL
Oh, only commie stooges, huh?
TURGIDSON
(whispers, clutching his notebooks to his chest)
Mr. President, you gonna let that lousy commie punk vomit all over us like
this?
STAINS
Mr. President, we haven't been able to reach Premier Kissov in the Kremlin.
They say they don't know where he is, and he won't be back for another two
hours.
DESADESKI
Try B86543 Moscow.
STAINS
Yes, sir.
DESADESKI
You would never have found him through his office, Mr. President. Our Premier
is a man of the people, but he is also... a man, if you follow my
meaning.
MUFFLEY
(laughs)
Fine.
Turgidson mutters to a seated General
DESADESKI
What did you say?
TURGIDSON
I said, Premier Kissov is a degenerate atheist commie! That's what I said.
DESADESKI
Mr. President, I formally request that you have this ignorant fool removed
from the war room.
DeSadeski, Muffley, and Turgidson form a triangular spat, each waving a pointed
finger at another.
STAINS
(interrupts argument)
I think they're trying the number.
TRACK ON Muffley as he walks towards Stains. A struggle begins between
DeSadeski and Turgidson.
MUFFLEY
(to Turgidson and DeSadeski who is on Turgidson's lap)
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the War Room! What is going on
here? I demand an explanation.
DESADESKI
This clumsy fool tried to plant that ridiculous camera on me.
TURGIDSON
Yeah, you bet your sweets, Mr. Commie. Look at this, Mr. President. This lousy
commie rat was taking pictures with this thing. Of the big board!
MUFFLEY
Mr. Ambassador!
DESADESKI
This clumsy fool attempted to plant that ridiculous camera on me.
TURGIDSON
That's a damn lie! I saw him, with my own eyes!
MUFFLEY
Gentlemen, this is outrageous. I have never heard of such behavior in the
war room before.
STAINS
Mr. President, I think they're getting him on the line.
CUT TO:
EXT. BURPLESON AFB
The attack begins.
SOLDIER-1
You sure gotta hand it to those commies.
SOLDIER-2
Yeah.
SOLDIER-3
Gee, those trucks look like the real thing, don't they?
SOLDIER-2
I wonder where they got 'em from.
SOLDIER-3
Probably bought them from the army as war surplus.
SOLDIER-1
Ok. Open up at 200 yards.
Firefight begins
CUT TO:
INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE
Ripper and Mandrake listen to the fighting in silence.
CUT TO:
INT. WAR ROOM
MUFFLEY
Tell him where you are, and that you'll enter the conversation if I say
anything that's untrue, but please don't tell him anything more than
that. Alexiy, Alexiy, please... I beg you.
DESADESKI
I don't have a phone.
MUFFLEY
(snaps fingers)
Give him your phone, Frank.
DESADESKI
Govorit DeSadeski.
(continues in Russian, then...)
I've done as you asked. Be careful Mr. President. I think he's drunk.
MUFFLEY
Hello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I can't hear too well, do you suppose you
could turn the music down just a little? Oh, that's much better. Yes.
Fine, I can hear you now, Dimitri. Clear and plain and coming through fine.
I'm coming through fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then as you say we're both
coming through fine. Good. Well it's good that you're fine and I'm fine. I
agree with you. It's great to be fine.
(laughs)
Now then Dimitri. You know how we've always talked about the possibility of
something going wrong with the bomb. The bomb, Dimitri. The hydrogen bomb.
Well now what happened is, one of our base commanders, he had a sort of,
well he went a little funny in the head. You know. Just a little... funny.
And uh, he went and did a silly thing.
(listens)
Well, I'll tell you what he did, he ordered his planes... to attack your
country.
(listens)
Well let me finish, Dimitri. Let me finish, Dimitri.
(listens)
Well, listen, how do you think I feel about it? Can you imagine how I feel
about it, Dimitri? Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello?
(listens)
Of course I like to speak to you. Of course I like to say hello. Not now, but
any time, Dimitri. I'm just calling up to tell you something terrible has
happened.
(listens)
It's a friendly call. Of course it's a friendly call. Listen, if it wasn't
friendly, ... you probably wouldn't have even got it. They will not reach
their targets for at least another hour.
(listens)
I am... I am positive, Dimitri. Listen, I've been all over this with your
ambassador. It is not a trick.
(listens)
Well I'll tell you. We'd like to give your air staff a complete run down on
the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the planes.
(listens)
Yes! I mean, if we're unable to recall the planes, then I'd say that, uh,
well, we're just going to have to help you destroy them, Dimitri.
(listens)
I know they're our boys.
(listens)
Alright, well, listen... who should we call?
(listens)
Who should we call, Dimitri?
(listens)
The people...? Sorry, you faded away there.
(listens)
The People's Central Air Defense Headquarters. Where is that, Dimitri?
(listens)
In Omsk. Right. Yes.
(listens)
Oh, you'll call them first, will you?
(listens)
Uh huh. Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dimitri?
(listens)
What? I see, just ask for Omsk Information. I'm sorry too, Dimitri. I'm
very sorry.
(listens)
Alright! You're sorrier than I am! But I am sorry as well. I am as sorry as
you are, Dimitri. Don't say that you are more sorry than I am, because I
am capable of being just as sorry as you are. So we're both sorry, alright?
(listens) Alright. Yes he's right here. Yes, he wants to talk to you. Just a
second.
DESADESKI
(continues in Russian. Gradually becomes alarmed, then...)
Das voydaniya...
(rests phone on the table before him)
MUFFLEY
What... what is it, what?
DESADESKI
The fools... the mad fools.
MUFFLEY
What's happened?
DESADESKI
The doomsday machine.
MUFFLEY
The doomsday machine? What is that?
DESADESKI
A device which will destroy all human and animal life on earth.
MUFFLEY
All human and animal life?
CUT TO:
INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE
Mandrake is sitting worriedly on a couch. Ripper puts a comforting arm around
his shoulder.
RIPPER
(through his cigar)
Mandrake.
MANDRAKE
Yes, Jack?
RIPPER
Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?
MANDRAKE
Well, no I... I can't say I have, Jack.
RIPPER
Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water?
MANDRAKE
Well I... I believe that's what they drink, Jack. Yes.
RIPPER
On no account will a commie ever drink water, and not without good reason.
MANDRAKE
Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see what you're getting at, Jack.
RIPPER
Water. That's what I'm getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the source of
all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why, you realize
that.. seventy percent of you is water.
MANDRAKE
Uhhh God...
RIPPER
And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our
precious bodily fluids.
MANDRAKE
Yes. chuckles nervously
RIPPER
You beginning to understand?
MANDRAKE
Yes.
(chuckles - begins laughing/crying quietly)
RIPPER
Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled
water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol?
MANDRAKE
Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes.
RIPPER
Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of water?
MANDRAKE
Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes.
RIPPER
Well do you now what it is?
MANDRAKE
No. No, I don't know what it is. No.
RIPPER
Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and
dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?
Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons fire.
RIPPER
(walks to window and shouts)
Two can play at this game soldier!
More rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the overhead desk lamp.
RIPPER
That's nice shooting, soldier!
Ripper produces a machine gun from a golf bag in his closet. He turns off the
lights, then sweeps his desk clear with the gun barrel, placing the gun
squarely on the desk.
RIPPER
Mandrake! Come here!
MANDRAKE
You calling me, Jack?
RIPPER
Just come over here and help me with this belt.
MANDRAKE
(prone on couch)
I ah, I haven't had very much experience, you know, with those... sort of
machines, Jack. I only ever pressed a button in my old Spitfire.
RIPPER
Mandrake, in the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress come here
and feed me this belt, boy!
MANDRAKE
Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's happened, you see, is the string in my
leg's gone.
RIPPER
The what?
MANDRAKE
The string. I never told you, but, you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh dear.
Gone. Shot off.
Ripper karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action.
RIPPER
Mandrake, come over here. The Red Coats are coming. Come on!
CUT TO:
INT. WAR ROOM
DESADESKI
When it is detonated, it will produce enough lethal radioactive fallout so
that within ten months, the surface of the earth will be as dead as the
moon!
TURGIDSON
Ah, come on DeSadeski, that's ridiculous. Our studies show that even the
worst fallout is down to a safe level after two weeks.
DESADESKI
You've obviously never heard of cobalt thorium G.
TURGIDSON
No, what about it?
DESADESKI
Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive halflife of ninety three years. If you
take, say, fifty H-bombs in the hundred megaton range and jacket them with
cobalt thorium G, when they are exploded they will produce a doomsday
shroud. A lethal cloud of radioactivity which will encircle the earth for
ninety three years!
TURGIDSON
Ah, what a load of commie bull. I mean, afterall...
MUFFLEY
I'm afraid I don't understand something, Alexiy. Is the Premier threatening
to explode this if our planes carry out their attack?
DESADESKI
No sir. It is not a thing a sane man would do. The doomsday machine is
designed to to trigger itself automatically.
MUFFLEY
But surely you can disarm it somehow.
DESADESKI
No. It is designed to explode if any attempt is ever made to untrigger it.
MUFFLEY
Automatically?
TURGIDSON
Ahh.. it's an obvious commie trick, Mr. President.
(walks backwards towards the big board) We're wasting valuable time.
(falls over backwards and does a somersault, and brings himself
back onto his feet)
Look at the big board! They're getting ready to clobber us!
MUFFLEY
But this is absolute madness, ambassador. Why should you build such a thing?
DESADESKI
There are those of us who fought against it, but in the end we could not
keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race, and the
peace race. And at the same time our people grumbled for more nylons and
washing machines. Our doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of
what we'd been spending on defense in a single year. But the deciding factor
was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines,
and we were afraid of a doomsday gap.
MUFFLEY
This is preposterous. I've never approved of anything like that.
DESADESKI
Our source was the New York Times.
MUFFLEY
Dr. Strangelove, do we have anything like that in the works?
Stains and Turgidson, who have been listening to Muffley and DeSadeski Stains'
station at the round table, slowly turn their heads in search of Strangelove.
STRANGELOVE
(in wheelchair)
A moment please, Mr. President.
Stomps one foot on the tile floor, pushes back from the table and begins
wheeling towards the discussion between Muffley and DeSadeski.
STRANGELOVE
Under the authority granted me as director of weapons research and
development, I commissioned last year a study of this project by the Bland
corporation. Based on the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this
idea was not a practical deterrent, for reasons which, at this moment,
must be all too obvious.
MUFFLEY
Then you mean it is possible for them to have built such a thing?
Strangelove carefully plucks cigarette from his shaking right hand, which is in
a black glove.
STRANGELOVE
Mr. President, the technology required is easily within the means of even
the smallest nuclear power. It requires only the will to do so.
MUFFLEY
But, how is it possible for this thing to be triggered automatically, and at
the same time impossible to untrigger?
STRANGELOVE
Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the whole
idea of this machine, you know. Deterrence is the art of producing in
the mind of the enemy... the fear to attack. And so, because of the automated
and irrevocable decision making process which rules out human meddling, the
doomsday machine is terrifying. It's simple to understand. And completely
credible, and convincing.
TURGIDSON
Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines, Stainsy.
MUFFLEY
But this is fantastic, Strangelove. How can it be triggered automatically?
STRANGELOVE
Well, it's remarkably simple to do that. When you merely wish to bury bombs,
there is no limit to the size. After that they are connected to a
gigantic complex of computers. Now then, a specific and clearly defined set of
circumstances, under which the bombs are to be exploded, is programmed into a
tape memory bank.
TURGIDSON
Strangelove. What kind of a name is that? That ain't no kraut name, is it,
Stainsy?
STAINS
He changed it when he became a citizen. It used to be Merkwurkdigliebe.
TURGIDSON
Hmm. A kraut, by any other name, huh, Stainsy?
STRANGELOVE
Yes, but the... whole point of the doomsday machine... is lost... if you
keep it a secret! Why didn't you tell the world, eh?
DESADESKI
It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the
Premier loves surprises.
CUT TO:
EXT. BURPLESON AFB
Firefight continues.
CUT TO:
INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE
Bullets cut down picture frames behind the desk. Ripper, standing, shoots back
at unseen machinegunner. Mandrake is now crouching by his side.
RIPPER
Stay with me Mandrake. Ripper and Mandrake crawl to one side of desk.
Alright, Mandrake, now feed me. Feed me.
Ripper stands and exchanges fire with attacking troops. Enemy fire subsides.
MANDRAKE
(laughs)
Jack, don't you think we'd be better off in some other part of the room,
away from all this flying glass?
RIPPER
Ah, naah. We're ok here. Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to
fluoridated water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt,
flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake.
Children's ice cream?
MANDRAKE
Good Lord.
RIPPER
You know when fluoridation first began?
MANDRAKE
No. No, I don't, Jack. No.
RIPPER
Nineteen hundred and forty six. Nineteen fortysix, Mandrake. How does that
coincide with your postwar commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious,
isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily
fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any
choice. That's the way your hard core commie works.
MANDRAKE
Jack... Jack, listen, tell me, ah... when did you first become, well, develop
this theory.
RIPPER
Well, I ah, I I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act
of love.
Mandrake sighs fearfully
RIPPER
Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I
was able to interpret these feelings correctly: loss of essence.
MANDRAKE
Yes...
RIPPER
I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women... women sense my
power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake, but
I do deny them my essence.
MANDRAKE
Heh heh... yes.
CUT TO:
EXT. BURPLESON AFB
Firefight settles into a surrender of Ripper's defending troops.
CUT TO:
INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE
RIPPER
Boys must have surrendered.
MANDRAKE
It's the way it is. Heh heh. Now Jack, listen. While there's still time, I beg
you, let's recall the wing.
Ripper struts over to an available chair, using machinegun as a walking stick,
kicking debris en route. Sits.
RIPPER
Those boys were like my children, Mandrake. Now they let me down.
MANDRAKE
No no, Jack. Not a bit of it. No, I'm sure they all gave you their very
best. And I'm equally sure they all died thinking of you, every man jack of
them, heh, Jack. Supposing a bit of water has gone off, eh? And certainly
one can never be too sure about those sort of things. Would you look at me
now. Do I look all rancid and clotted? You look at me, Jack, eh? Look, eh?
And I drink a lot of water, you know. I'm what you might call a water man,
Jack. That's what I am. And I can swear to you, my boy, swear to you, that
there's nothing wrong with my bodily fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.
RIPPER
Mandrake, were you ever a prisoner of war?
MANDRAKE
Well, Jack, the time's running...very... huh?
RIPPER
Were you ever a prisoner of war?
MANDRAKE
Ah yes I was. Matter of fact, Jack, I was.
RIPPER
Did they torture you?
MANDRAKE
Ah... yes, they did. I was tortured by the Japanese, Jack, if you must know.
Not a pretty story.
RIPPER
Well what happened?
MANDRAKE
Oh... well... I don't know, Jack. Difficult to think of under these
conditions. But, well, what happened was they got me on the old Rangoon
HNRR railway. I was laying train mines for the bloody Japanese puff
puffs.
RIPPER
No, I mean when they tortured you, did you talk?
MANDRAKE
Ah, oh no, I ah... I don't think they wanted me to talk, really. I don't
think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of having...
a bit of fun, the swines. Strange thing is they make such bloody good
cameras.
RIPPER
You know those clowns outside are gonna give me a pretty good going over in
a few minutes. For the code.
MANDRAKE
Yes. does a double take Yes, well you may have... you may have quite a point
there, Jack.
RIPPER
I don't know how well I could stand up under torture.
MANDRAKE
Well of course the answer to that is, boy, no one ever does. And my advice to
you, Jack, is to give me the code now. And if those devils come back and
try any rough stuff, we'll fight them together, boy, like we did just now, on
the floor, eh? You with the old gun, and me with the belt and the ammo,
feeding you, Jack! Feed me, you said, and I was feeding you, Jack.
(pats Ripper on the shoulder)
RIPPER
No, Mandrake. I happen to believe in a life after this one, and I know I'll
have to answer for what I've done. And I think I can.
MANDRAKE
Yes, well of course you can, Jack, of course you can. You can! I'm a
religious man, myself, you know, Jack. I believe in all that sort of thing,
and... I'm hoping, you know, Jack.
Rises to follow Ripper, who is walking despondently about the room, dragging
the 50 cal. which he lets fall.
MANDRAKE
You dropped your gun, Jack, yes...
(picks up the machine gun and carries it) you know what I'm (Ripper begins
removing his jacket here) no, Jack. Let me take that for you. I'll take
that for you, Jack. (takes Ripper's jacket and drapes it over the gun)
And, ah, you know what I'm hoping, Jack? I'm hoping you're going to give me
the code, boy. That's what I'm hoping. And, ah...
(Ripper enters the washroom)
oh, you're going have a little wash and brush up, are you? What a good idea.
Always did wonders for a man, that, Jack. A little wash and brush up. Water
on the back of the neck, and... makes you feel marvelous. That's what we
need, Jack! Water on the back of the neck and the code. Now, ... now
supposing I play a little guessing game with you, Jack, boy.
(Ripper shuts washroom door)
I'll try and guess... I'll try and guess what the code is...
A gun shot rings out from within the washroom - Mandrake gapes at the closed
door, drops the machine gun, and pushes on the door, which is blocked after
opening a few inches.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRBORNE B-52
COPILOT
Copilot to navigator, I'm ready with the fuel figures now. We have one
hundred and nine thousand total, seventy nine thousand in the mains, and
thirty thousand in the auxiliaries. And that works out to roughly seven
hours fifteen minutes endurance for this time.
DSO
DSO to Captain, I have an unidentified radar blip. Distance: 60 miles.
Approximate speed: mach three. Looks like a missile tracking us! Confirmed,
definite missile track. Commence evasive action right. Missile still closing
range; distance: 50 miles. Continue evasive action.
COPILOT
Lock ECM to target intercept mode.
DSO
ECM locked to target intercept mode. Missile still tracking and closing
distance. Range: 40 miles. Continue evasive action. Electronic guidance
scrambler to blue grid. Missile still tracking steady and closing distance.
Range: 30 miles. Missile still closing true and steady. Continue evasive
action. Range: 20 miles. Missile still closing distance... and tracking
steady.
COPILOT
Evac range gate on maximum scan.
DSO
Range gate on maximum scan. Range: 10 miles. Missile track deflecting.
Continue evasive action. Deflection increasing; range: 8 miles. Deflection
still increasing; range: 6 miles. Missile still deflecting; range: 4 miles.
Range: 2 miles; missile still deflecting. Range: one mile; missile
detonated!
DISTORTED VOICES AUDIBLE through headset intercom. Kong is jolted as shock wave
hits the plane. Crew scrambles to attend to fires, regain control of aircraft.
KONG
Spot lever to cutoff... reselect to central power... Extinguishers...
Transfer switches... boost pumps up. Fuel valves three four and six. Give
me full power.
Aircraft returns to straight and level; under control.
CUT TO:
INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE - BURPLESON AFB
Mandrake examines a notepad on Ripper's desk. It is covered with doodles and an
interlocking pattern of the words Peace On Earth, and Purity Of Essence.
MANDRAKE
Peace on Earth. Peace on Earth. Peace on Earth: P O E. Purity of essence. O
P O E. whispers O P E.
Shots ring out as the doorlock is destroyed, and the door to the office opens.
Enter Bat Guano, brandishing an M-1 carbine.
GUANO
Put your hands over your head.
MANDRAKE
What the devil do you think you're doing, shooting your way in here? Who are
you?
GUANO
I said, put your hands over your head. What kind of suit you call that,
fellah?
MANDRAKE
What do you mean, suit? This happens to be an R. A. F. uniform, sir. And I
am Group Captain Lionel Mandrake. I am General Ripper's Executive
Officer.
GUANO
Where's General Ripper?
MANDRAKE
He's dead, in the bathroom.
GUANO
Where's the bathroom?
MANDRAKE
Next to you.
Guano peers around bathroom door and whistles in exclamation.
MANDRAKE
Look, I don't know what sort of stupid game this is you're playing, but I've
got a very good idea what the recall code is and I have to get in touch
with SAC headquarters immediately.
GUANO
I said put your hands over your head and keep 'em there. Got any witnesses?
MANDRAKE
Witnesses? What are you talking about, witnesses? He shot himself!
GUANO
While he was shaving, huh?
MANDRAKE
Now look, Colonel... Bat Guano, if that really is your name, may I tell you
that I have a very, very good idea, I think, I hope, I pray, what the
recall code is. It's some sort of recurrent theme he kept repeating. It's a
variation on Peace on Earth or Purity of Essence. E O P. O P E. It's one of
those!
GUANO
Put your hands up on top of your head. Start walking.
MANDRAKE
Don't you know that General Ripper went as mad as a bloody march hare and sent
the while wing to attack the Soviets? Don't you know that?
GUANO
What are you talking about?
MANDRAKE
I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'm going to pick up this red
telephone which is connected to SAC. And I hope... blast. Blast! Shot away,
I expect by one of your men during this ridiculous fighting! picks up
another phone Right.
(glances down to discover this phone has no cord at all)
GUANO
Alright, Charlie, I been wasting too much time on you. I got a lot of wounded
men outside. Start walking.
CUT TO:
INT. B-52
Goldie is examining the damage to the radios.
GOLDIE
All the radio gear is out, including the CRM-114. I think the auto-destruct
mechanism got hit and blew itself up.
BOMBARDIER
The fire is out. Emergency power is on. Everything seems to check out
alright. Will advise.
KONG
Roger. Navigator...
NAVIGATOR
I've worked out our rate of fuel loss at approximately one six two per
minute. This gives us a radius of action sufficient to take out primary and
secondary targets. But we will not, repeat, not be able to make it back to
any base or neutral country. However we would have enough fuel to ditch at
weather ship tango delta: grid coordinates zero zero three six nine one.
KONG
Now, boys, we got three engines out; we got more holes in us than a horse
trader's mule, the radio's gone and we're leaking fuel, and if we's flying
any lower, why, we'd need sleigh bells on this thing. But we got one little
budge on them russkies, at this this height, why, they might harpoon us but
they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no radar screen.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - BURPLESON AFB
Guano is marching Mandrake out of Ripper's office at gunpoint.
GUANO
The other way.
MANDRAKE
Where are you taking me?
GUANO
The main gate.
MANDRAKE
Colonel! Colonel, I must know what you think has been going on here!
GUANO
You wanna know what I think?
MANDRAKE
Yes.
GUANO
I think you're some kind of deviated prevert. And I think General Ripper
found out about your preversion, and that you were organizing some kind of
mutiny of preverts. Now, move!
Mandrake replaces hands on head and begins walking.
GUANO
On top of that I don't know anything about any planes attacking Russia. All I
was told to do was get General Ripper on the phone to the President of the
United States.
MANDRAKE
Now just one second. You just said... the President.
GUANO
What about the President?
MANDRAKE
Now, the president wants to speak to General Ripper, doesn't he? Now,
General Ripper is dead, is he not? I am General Ripper's executive
officer, so the president will bloody well want to speak to me, won't he?
There's a telephone box over there, and the line may be open.
GUANO
You want to talk to the president of the United States?
MANDRAKE
I don't want to talk to him, Colonel, I've got to talk to him. And I can
assure you, if you don't put that gun away and stop this stupid nonsense,
the court of inquiry on this'll give you such a pranging, you'll be lucky if
you end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet attendant!
GUANO
Ok. Go ahead. Try and get the President of the United States on the phone.
Mandrake enters phone booth and closes the door. Guano pushes it back open.
GUANO
If you try any preversions in there I'll blow your head off.
Mandrake places coins in the slot and dials.
MANDRAKE
Operator? This is Group Captain Lionel Mandrake, I'm speaking from Burpleson
Air Force Base. Look, something very urgent has come up and I want you to
place an emergency person to person call with President Merkin Muffley in the
Pentagon, Washington D.C. Aaaa... Burpleson3-9180. No, I'm perfectly
serious, operator, the President, yes the President of the United States. I'm
sorry, I haven't got enough change. Um, could you... could you make this a
collect call, operator?
Mandrake waits on the call to be placed while Guano looks on.
MANDRAKE
Just one second, operator.
(to Guano)
They won't accept the call. Have you got fifty-five cents?
GUANO
Well, you don't think I'd go into combat with loose change in my pocket, do
you?
MANDRAKE
Operator, look, ah... is it possible to make this an ordinary... ordinary
trunk call? Well, what do you call it... you know, ah...
(raps on phone box with knuckles)
oh, ah... station to station.
(counts change in his palm)
Oh, blast. Still twenty cents short. Operator, hold on one... ah... I shan't
keep you a second. (to Guano) Colonel, that Coca-Cola machine, I want you
to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.
GUANO
That's private property.
MANDRAKE
(exasperated)
Colonel, can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your
frame, outlook, way of life and everything, when they learn that you have
obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you
imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With the gun! That's what the bullets are
for, you twit!
GUANO
Ok. I'm gonna get your money for you. But if you don't get the President of
the Unites States on that phone, you know what's going to happen to you?
MANDRAKE
What?
GUANO
You're going to have to answer to the Coca-Cola Company.
Turns to the Coke machine and fires into it. Change spills from the coin return
slot. As Guano bends to collect it, coke streams from a bullet hole and showers
his face.
CUT TO:
INT. WAR ROOM
VOICE ON PA
This is SAC communications control. The recall code, OPE, is being
acknowledged roger by elements of the 843 bomb wing.
Cheering starts among men in the War Room.
VOICE ON PA
These are the details: missions 12, 22, 30, and 38 are reported destroyed
by enemy action. All other missions have acknowledged recall code. This is
SAC communications control, over and out.
TURGIDSON
(whistles loudly)
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
War room falls silent.
TURGIDSON
Ah, gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm not a sentimentalist at all, by nature, but I
think I know what's in every heart in this room. I think we ought to all
just bow our heads and give a short prayer of thanks for our deliverance.
Lord, we have heard the wings of the angel of death fluttering over our heads
from the valley of fear. You have seen fit to deliver us from the forces
of evil...
STAINS
Excuse me sir, Premier Kissov's calling again and he's hopping mad.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRBORNE B-52
GOLDIE
Fuel flow in active engines and leakage has increased. Now works out at two
zero five. Estimate remaining fuel at eight seven nine zero.
NAVIGATOR
Roger. Confirm two zero five per minute and remaining fuel eight seven nine
zero.
CUT TO:
INT. WAR ROOM
MUFFLEY
(to phone)
No. No, Dimitri, there must be some mistake. (listens) No, I'm
certain of that. I'm perfectly certain of that, Dimitri. Just a second.
(puts down phone)
You know what he says? He says that one of the planes hasn't turned back. He
says according to information forwarded by our air staff, it's headed for
the missile complex at Lapuda.
TURGIDSON
Whah...
(laughs in wheezing incredulity)
That's impossible, Mr. President. I mean, look at the big board! Thirty-four
planes, thirty recalls acknowledged, and four splashes, and one of them was
targeted for Lapuda!
MUFFLEY
(to phone)
Dimitri? Look, we've got an acknowledgement from every plane except the four
you've shot down.
(listens)
Oh. Oh. He says... Hang on a second, Dimitri. (covers phone) He says
their air staff now only claims three aircraft confirmed. The fourth may only
be damaged.
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, I'm beginning to smell a big fat commie rat. I mean,
supposing Kissov is lying about that fourth plane, just looking for an
excuse to clobber us. I mean, if the spaghetti hits the fan, now we're really
in trouble.
MUFFLEY
(to phone)
Dimitri, look, if this report is true and the plane manages to bomb the
target, is it... is this going to full.. is this going to set off the
doomsday machine?
(listens)
Are you sure?
(listens)
Well, I.. I guess you're just going to have to get that plane, Dimitri!
Dimitri, I'm sorry they're jamming your radar and flying so low, but they're
trained to do it. You know, it's it's initiative! Look, Dimitri, you know
exactly where they're going and I'm sure your entire air defense can
stop a single plane. Listen, I mean, it's not going to help either one of us
if a if the if the doomsday machine goes off, now is it? (listens)
Dom... Dimitri there's no point in you getting you hysterical at a moment like
this! Dimitri! Keep your feet on the ground when you're talking, Dimitri.
(listens)
I... I am not I am not getting... no, Dimitri. I... I just am worried, that's
all. Look, now if our air staff say it's primary target is Lapuda and
it's secondary target it Bordkov, I mean it's it's true, Dimitri! You gotta
believe it.
Turgidson nods affirmative
MUFFLEY
Look, can I gi...
(listens)
Dimitri,can I give you just one word... can I give you just one word of
advice, Dimitri? Listen, Dimitri, put everything you've got into those
two sectors and you can't miss.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRBORNE B-52
NAVIGATOR
Sir, if we continue to lose fuel at the present rate, I estimate we only
have thirty-eight minutes flying time which will not even take us as far
as the primary.
KONG
Dog gonnit, Sweets, you told me that you'd get me to the primary!
NAVIGATOR
I'm sorry, Sir. That estimate was based on the original loss rate factor, not
at two zero five.
KONG
I don't give a hoot in hell how you do it, you just get me to the primary, you
hear?
NAVIGATOR
I'm sorry Sir, but those are the figures. We'll be luck to reach weather
ship at tango delta.
KONG
Well... shoot. We ain't come this far just to dump this thing in the drink.
What's the nearest target opportunity?
NAVIGATOR
Sir, if the rate of loss does not increase, we have a chance to reach target
three eight four,grid coordinate zero zero three six nine one, and
possibly make it from there to the tango delta weather ship.
KONG
What kind of a target is that, anyhow?
BOMBARDIER
Sir, that's the ICBM complex at Kodlosk.
KONG
Alright. Designating new target three eight four. Give me a rough heading
on that just as soon as you can get it worked out, will you?
CUT TO:
INT. WAR ROOM
MUFFLEY
(to phone)
Well, we'll keep our fingers crossed, Dimitri, and remember, there's just one
thing, we are all in this together. We're right behind you, Dimitri. We're
with you all the way. (listens)Y es. Well, we'll keep the line
open. Alright Dimitri.
(rests phone on the table)
General Turgidson, is there really a chance for that plane to get through?
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, if I may speak freely, the Russkie talks big, but frankly, we
think he's short of know how. I mean, you just can't expect a bunch of
ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of our boys. And that's not
meant as an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean, you take your average Russkie,
we all know how much guts he's got. Hell, lookit look at all them them
Nazis killed off and they still wouldn't quit.
MUFFLEY
Can't you stick to the point, General?
TURGIDSON
Well, I'm sorry. Ah... If the pilot's good, see. I mean, if he's really...
sharp, he can barrel that baby in so low spreads his arms like wings.,
laughs you oughtta see it sometime, it's a sight. A big plane, like a '52,
vroom! There's jet exhaust, fryin' chickens in the barnyard!
MUFFLEY
Yeah, but has he got a chance?
TURGIDSON
Has he got a chance? Hell Ye... ye...
(covers mouth in solemn realization)
CUT TO:
INT. AIRBORNE B-52
NAVIGATOR
Navigator to Captain, approaching target. Distance, one zero miles. Switch
from green grid to target orange.
KONG
Roger. Ready for final bomb run check. Take over, Ace.
COPILOT
Roger.
DSO
DSO ready.
BOMBARDIER
Bombardier ready, sir.
KONG
Bomb fusing master safety on, electronics, barometrics, time and impact.
BOMBARDIER
Bomb fusing master safeties on, electronic, barometric, time and impact.
KONG
Fused for ground burst, delay factor yellow three.
BOMBARDIER
Fused for ground burst, delay factor yellow three.
KONG
Bomb fusing circuits one through four, test.
BOMBARDIER
Bomb fusing circuits one through four, test. Lights on.
KONG
Bomb arming test lights on, one through four.
BOMBARDIER
Bomb arming test lights on, one through four.
KONG
Engage primary trigger switch override.
BOMBARDIER
Primary trigger switch override, engaged.
KONG
Track indicators to maximum deflection.
BOMBARDIER
Track indicators to maximum deflection.
KONG
Detonator set to zero altitude.
BOMBARDIER
Detonator set to zero altitude.
KONG
Release first safety.
AIRMAN
First safety released.
BOMBARDIER
First safety.
KONG
Release second safeties.
AIRMAN
Second safety released.
BOMBARDIER
Second safety.
KONG
Check bomb door circuits one through four.
BOMBARDIER
Ah... bomb door circuits, negative function. Lights red.
KONG
Switch in backup circuits.
BOMBARDIER
Roger. Backup circuits switched in, still negative function.
KONG
Engage emergency power.
BOMBARDIER
Roger. Emergency power on. Still negative function.
KONG
Operate manual override!
BOMBARDIER
Roger. Ah... still negative function. The teleflex drive cable must be
sheared away.
KONG
Fire the explosive bolts!
BOMBARDIER
Roger. Um... still negative, sir. The operating circuits are dead, sir.
KONG
Stay on the bomb run, Ace. I'm going down below to see what I can do.
COPILOT
Roger.
KONG
(to DSO and Bombardier)
Stay on the bomb run boys. I'm goin' to get them doors open if it hare lips
everybody on Bear Creek.
(proceeds through hatch to bomb bay)
Kong studies a sparking tangle of wires above a suspended bomb, and then climbs
atop the it, fanning the sparks with his stetson
NAVIGATOR
Target orange grid reference, checks. Target distance, eight miles.
COPILOT
Roger, eight miles. Telemetric guidance computer into orange grid.
BOMBARDIER
Telemetric guidance computer into orange grid.
NAVIGATOR
Target distance, seven miles. Correct track indicator, minus seven.
COPILOT
Roger. Seven miles. Set GPI acceleration factor.
BOMBARDIER
GPI diversion factor set.
NAVIGATOR
Target distance, six miles.
COPILOT
Roger. Six miles. False ident transponder active.
BOMBARDIER
False ident transponder active.
NAVIGATOR
Target distance, five miles.
COPILOT
Five miles. Bundling alignment factor zero mode.
BOMBARDIER
Bundling alignment factor to zero mode.
NAVIGATOR
Target distance, four miles.
COPILOT
Roger. Four miles. Auto CDC into manual teleflex link.
BOMBARDIER
Auto CDC is to manual teleflex link.
NAVIGATOR
Target distance, three miles.
COPILOT
Roger. Three miles.
NAVIGATOR
Target in sight. Where in hell is Major Kong?
Kong busily works to splice two wires together. He finishes and then attaches
an alligator clip to a patch panel above his head. The bomb doors open. He
grabs his stetson to keep it from blowing away in the sudden slipstream.
KONG
Aaaaaa hooooo! Aaaaaaaa hooooo!
The bomb is dropped, and Kong along with it
BOMBARDIER
Hey, what about Major Kong?
KONG
Aaaaaa hoooo! Waaaaa hooooo!
Kong rides the bomb in its falling arc waving his hat over his head,
celebrating his success in ecstatic rodeo style. On reaching the ground, the
bomb detonates.
CUT TO:
INT. WAR ROOM
Strangelove executes an about face from the big board to face the camera.
STRANGELOVE
Mr. President, I would not rule out the chance to preserve a nucleus of human
specimens. It would be quite easy... heh heh...
(rolls forward into the light)
at the bottom of ah ... some of our deeper mineshafts. The radioactivity would
never penetrate a mine some thousands of feet deep. And in a matter of
weeks, sufficient improvements in dwelling space could easily be provided.
MUFFLEY
How long would you have to stay down there?
STRANGELOVE
Well let's see now ah,
(searches within his lapel)
cobalt thorium G.
(notices circular slide rule in his gloved hand)
aa...nn... Radioactive halflife of uh,... hmm.. I would think that uh...
possibly uh... one hundred years.
On finishing his calculations, he pulls the slide rule roughly from his gloved
hand, and returns it to within his jacket.
MUFFLEY
You mean, people could actually stay down there for a hundred years?
STRANGELOVE
It would not be difficult mein Fuhrer! Nuclear reactors could, heh... I'm
sorry. Mr. President. Nuclear reactors could provide power almost
indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plantlife. Animals could be bred
and slaughtered. A quick survey would have to be made of all the available
mine sites in the country. But I would guess... that ah, dwelling space
for several hundred thousands of our people could easily be provided.
MUFFLEY
Well I... I would hate to have to decide.. who stays up and.. who goes down.
STRANGELOVE
Well, that would not be necessary Mr. President. It could easily be
accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set and programmed to
accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross
section of necessary skills. Of course it would be absolutely vital that our
top government and military men be included to foster and impart the required
principles of leadership and tradition.
Slams down left fist. Right arm rises in stiff Nazi salute.
STRANGELOVE
Arrrrr!
(restrains right arm with left)
Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would bemuch time, and
little to do. But ah with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of
say, ten females to each male, I would guess that they could then work their
way back to the present gross national product within say, twenty years.
MUFFLEY
But look here doctor, wouldn't this nucleus of survivors be so grief stricken
and anguished that they'd, well, envy the dead and not want to go on
living?
STRANGELOVE
No sir...
His right arm rolls his wheelchair backwards
STRANGELOVE
Excuse me.
He struggles with wayward right arm, ultimately subduing it with a beating from
his left
STRANGELOVE
Also when... when they go down into the mine everyone would still be alive.
There would be no shocking memories, and the prevailing emotion will be one
of nostalgia for those left behind, combined with a spirit of bold
curiosity for the adventure ahead! Ahhhh!
Right arm reflexes into Nazi salute. He pulls it back into his lap and beats it
again. Gloved hand attempts to strangle him.
TURGIDSON
Doctor, you mentioned the ration of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn't that
necessitate the abandonment of the so called monogamous sexual relationship, I
mean, as far as men were concerned?
STRANGELOVE
Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future
of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to
do prodigious... service along these lines, the women will have to be selected
for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly
stimulating nature.
DESADESKI
I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor.
STRANGELOVE
Thank you, sir.
TURGIDSON
(to Muffley)
I think we should look at this from the military point of view. I mean,
supposing the Russkies stashes away some big bomb, see. When they come out in
a hundred years they could take over!
DeSadeski begins walking away from the crowd around Strangelove and the
President, toward the banquet table.
GENERAL
I agree, Mr. President. In fact, they might even try an immediate sneak
attack so they could take over our mineshaft space.
TURGIDSON
Yeah. I think it would be extremely naive of us, Mr. President, to imagine that
these new developments are going to cause any change in Soviet expansionist
policy.
DeSadeski kneels, unseen, and begins photographing the big board with a secret
camera within a pocket watch.
TURGIDSON
I mean, we must be... increasingly on the alert to prevent them from taking
over other mineshaft space, in order to breed more prodigiously than we do,
thus, knocking us out in superior numbers when we emerge! Mr. President, we
must not allow... a mine shaft gap!
STRANGELOVE
...sir!
(stands up out of his wheelchair)
I have a plan. Heh.
(pauses, realizing that he is standing)
Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!
MULTIPLE SCENES OF EXPLODING BOMBS, dancing to the tune of "We'll Meet Again."
FADE OUT:
THE END
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